Following a week in which:
– Football in England RETURNED.
– Spike Lee RETURNED with a new joint called ‘Da 5 Bloods’ (watch it – it’s on Netflix so no excuses).
– Football in Italy RETURNED.
– Bob Dylan RETURNED with his first new album in eight years (it’s gotten five stars across the board but that doesn’t mean he’s suddenly learned to sing at the age of 79).
We at 90min’s DEPR headquarters decided that it was about damn time we made our long-awaited RETURN to the internet too. So here we are, finally, with some football to talk about, some teams to rank, and a tv show to quote to wrap it all up in neat little package.
And the TV show that we’re going to be nabbing quotes from this week, in the first DEPR since mid-March, is a pretty big one – because of course it is. We couldn’t make our return with two-bit cancelled-after-one-season or 30% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes type show. Oh no. We’re pulling out the big guns.
We’re pulling out the biggest sitcom of all time: Seinfeld.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.”
Juventus are teetering on the brink of a first trophyless season in nearly a decade.
And if that happens – if Lazio do go on to win Serie A – will it mean that they abandon the clearly-failing Cristiano Ronaldo experiment?
Let’s hope so.
“Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint; it’s delicious!”
“It’s very refreshing!”
Who’s gonna turn down the opportunity to watch Wolves? They have Adama Traore and Raul Jimenez; it’s fantastic!
Granted, they may not be as good as my FM20 Wolves team – who have just won the league and cup double – but they’re still pretty damn good.
“You guys got to put a negative spin on everything.”
‘It’s only the Scottish league!’
‘Odsonne Edouard is leaving this summer!’
‘That new adidas kit is surprisingly ugly!’
Look all of the above may be true, but Celtic have just won their NINTH consecutive SPFL title so we doubt their fans care.
“Can you die from an odour? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odour?”
Can you die of boredom? I mean, like if you were locked in a room and forced to watch the Merseyside derby for two weeks, could you actually die of boredom?
“My life is the complete opposite to everything I want it to.”
Prior to the COVID-19 enforced break, Spurs were in the complete opposite situation that they wanted to be in.
They were out of the FA Cup, out of the UEFA Champions League and out of the race for a place in the top four.
But now, things are looking up. Harry Kane, Heung-min Son and Moussa Sissoko are all back fully fit, and Tottenham genuinely played well against Man Utd in their first game since the restart.
“We don’t know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.”
Man Utd got their first glimpse of the Bruno Fernandes and Paul Pogba partnership on Friday, and it’s fair to say that they were impressed. And they were impressed because IT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
We may only see the two superstar midfielders line up together in another eight games ever (no one knows what’s going on with Paul Pogba), but bah gawd will we enjoy it while it lasts.
“This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it’s with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might’ve been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.”
Antonio Conte has completely changed Inter. Now when they play a game of football, it’s with a whole different confidence. Like on Sunday night, they might’ve been a little nervous – what, with their title aspirations hanging in the balance. But, with Conte on the sidelines, they were composed, grounded and secured a nice 2-1 win over Sampdoria.
“You don’t understand what I’m up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine! Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench! And I’ll take anything I can get for it.”
Kevin De Bruyne is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine! Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of midfielder!
Hence why the not-so-super-barely-even-competent Arsenal midfield struggled to lay a glove on him in at the Etihad Stadium.
“I proclaim this: The Summer of George!”
I proclaim this: The Summer of Chelsea!
Christian Pulisic is looking sharp, Hakim Ziyech and Timo Werner have been signed, Chelsea have all but qualified for the UEFA Champions League. Things are looking UP at Stamford Bridge.
“You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”
You know the message Borussia Dortmund are sending by finishing second in the Bundesliga table? They’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete with Bayern. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’
Second place is BVB’s comfort zone, but if they want to keep hold of their prized assets this summer and beyond, they need to show that they can get out of that comfort zone – ASAP.
“Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there’s never a let-up! It’s relentless! Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out! But the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And it’s Publisher’s Clearing House day!”
Paris Saint-Germain never stop winning the Ligue 1 title. The Hexagoals just keep coming and coming, there’s never a let-up! It’s relentless!
This season, PSG won their seventh league title of the decade – in strange circumstances – and are now just one championship away from becoming the most successful team in French footballing history.
“Hunger will make people do amazing things.”
Prior to the break, Atalanta were doing amazing things. They had thumped Valencia on their way to their first ever Champions League quarter final, scored more goals than any other team in Serie A, and were generally just the best damn team to watch in the whole of the Europe.
In their first game since the restart, they – thankfully – continued to do amazing things; beating Sassuolo 4-1 on Sunday night.
“I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I’ve ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics.”
I never knew Karim Benzema could score goals like this. He’s scoring more goals than he’s ever scored before; each one more important than the last.
In midweek he scored what may be the goal of the season in La Liga against Valencia, and then he followed that by firing Real Madrid to the top of the table with a late winner over Real Sociedad.
It wasn’t too long ago that SSC Napoli were a club in turmoil. Lying mid-table in Serie A, with their manager shown the door and their players all having fallen out with the club president, it looked like things had gone sour in Naples.
But now with Gennaro Gattuso at the helm, Napoli have found some semblance of serenity. They have a new tactical identity too, one which has, granted, made them rather tedious to watch, but has also made them winners again – as their counter attacking gameplan led to the club lifting the Coppa Italia for the first time in six years.
“Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?”
Bayern Munich’s last 15 games in all competitions:
Goals Scored: 45.
Goals Conceded: 10.
Goal Difference: +35.
Whatever your favourite football team may be doing on a Saturday afternoon, Bayern Munich are probably doing something better.